How to end Global Warming

Obama can reverse global warming by adopting a first strike policy. This would have the short term effect of blocking out the sun with dust, thereby reducing global temperatures. In the long run, CO2 emissions will be reduced dramatically due to the decrease in the world's population. Additional benefits of this plan include a permanent reduction in nuclear stockpiles around the world due to retaliation, and an increase in biodiversity due to radiation.

Critics: Obama Is Soft On Reality Television

Conservative pundits and talk show hosts have accused President Obama of failing to protect the nation from reality show contestants.
"Obama should have known that the Heene family was developing WMD's," Ann Coulter charged. "The Salahis infiltrated the White House just to prove the point that America is weak. It was the biggest liberal failure since the Clinton Administration failed to apprehend Richard Hatch when he was still in Borneo."

Texas Massacre Indicates Economy Improving

Despite the nation being horrified by the shooting at Fort Hood, one economic anaylist says the massacre is a sign things are looking up.

Dave Pelway, an economist with the conservative think tank Everything's Fine; We're In Charge, says "the shooting was actually a good thing. People tend to worry more about themselves and their families in trying economics times. The fact that this man turned a gun on a military base is a turn in the right direction."

Pelway went on to explain that during good times, people tend to get bored and shoot other people for no reason. Since the economic meltdown, things have been pretty quiet on the mass murder scene. The shootings in Texas and Florida are a good sign the economy is on the upswing and instead of worrying about being jobless, people will also have to worry about being shot on the jobs they no doubt will be hired for soon.

Pelway also thought the demand for ammunition may also go up, as well as purchases for Kevlar vests.

"There's another way to look at it too," says Pelway. "The more people killed in shootings, the more job openings there will be. So it's all good."

Horrible Sounding Buffet Puts Restaurant Out of Business

A Pizza King located in Columbia City is going out of business due to the horrible sounding food offerings advertised on its sign.
A "Lungh Puffet" was dreamed up by the owner, only to have locals reject it outright. The massive failure of the promotion was enough, in this bad economy, to put the restaurant out of business.
"Don't people realize I was advertising a "lunch buffet"? says stunned owner Harry Throckmorton. I ran out of Cs and Bs, which is why I substituted the G and the P."
Apparently Throckmorton, who graduated from the Harvard School of Business, underestimated the educational level of this northeast Indiana town, where the inhabitants think "bad grammar" is an older female relative with a prison record.

No, You Can't!

Xbox: Easier than real crime

Guy in Auburn Names Company After the Kind of Guy He Is

Assmann Corporation, is the dream come true for Rick Henselmann, the company’s owner.
“I’ll be honest: I like ass,” he says.
So he figured he’d name his company, which provides accounting and tax help for small businesses after what kind of guy he is.
“I’ve always liked female ass. I know that makes me kind of rare, because most men are breast men. But Ass man sounds cooler, so I figured it works,” said Henselmann.
“Plus, it stands out.”
Other business owners in the industrial park where Henselmann is located tolerate the obscene-sounding name.
“At first, we were like, ‘well, that sounds kinda dirty,’” says Dave Bohren, of Bohren Logistics, which also has a warehouse in the area. “So we let it go, even though Rick has taunted me from time to time about ‘Bohren’. He says it’s too close to ‘boring’ and he gets a kick that his company’s name has a cuss word in it. Rick is actually kind of a dick. He should have named it ‘Dickmann Corporation.’”